I'm falling. Hardcore.

I know because of my last entry, a porn shop visit is possibly the last thing to do...EVER.

But I did...because I enjoy giggling.

Why must we INSIST on playing GOD!!! 

It's a blow up doll of 

Tigers Got Wood! REALLY?! You'd think it was just a little soon.

This is seriously a porn titled: "What Went Wrong."
What Went wrong? Daddy never loved you.

Nothing says USA more than an angry eagle, a dollar sign...and porn.

A little tid bit...for those unaware.

As much as the situation does not concern me...It always bothers me to hear about relationships being ruined due to a religion. I think as a significant other, you should embrace the fact the person you love...has true blue FAITH. Something, that is so rare in this day and age. Just because the way your lover believes in God, doesn't make it right to pin it against them, belittle them or their beliefs, or hold it above their head as a threat for an end to the relationship. If you love them. Love the fact that they have some solace...some sort of protection. Doesn't mean you have to convert...just appreciate.

Sooo

I miss my grandparents.


It's odd to have their absence. Grandparents I feel...have this certain authority over us all...something untouchable. Something. Remarkable. I was closest to my grandfathers on both sides of my family.
However, lately, I'm missing my grandmother! Stella!! She was such a free spirit...and honestly just such a pain in the ass. But looking back, I truly honestly, Miss her. In awkward moments, she always had a way of changing the mood...almost quick enough to make others completely forget...well...what was awkward to begin with.


My granddad Robert on my dad's side had this quiet demeanor. He was a true gentleman! He had a great sense of humor and I truly admired him. Perhaps it's grandparents in general, but Grandpop Purdie really had this great way, with just...making things better. I remember one time...I was 8. I was playing outside my Grandmoms and Grandpop's house, my grandmom had ran to the store...I was in my bliss! I was playing with this toy truck from Dollar Tree (it was a plastic cement mixer.) I put mud in the mixer part of the truck...and unfortunately inorder to bring in the toys from outside, I'd have to scoop the mud out with my fingers.....as I was doing such, I thought to myself, "it'd be pretty stupid if I got my fingers  stuck." and almost instantly, like a sign from the heavens...my fingers....in this cement mixer...as mud was drying.
I was pretty scared!!
My granddad saw me in the yard 15 minutes after he had called me in. I was fumbling in the yard with my hand caught in this contraption. Embarrassed, I snap back at my granddad whos attempting to usher me in.
He immediately rushed to my side, sensed my urgency...and noticed my predicament. I turn and I face him...and I swell up with tears:
"CALL 9-1-1!" his face lit up with both laughter and heartache. I was the princess in the mud, and my royal hand....was royaly jammed in this cement mix truck. "No! No! No need to call 911....all you need is soap!" and for another 25 minutes, we filled my hand and the truck with dish soap...and weaseled it off. Mind you...the entire time my uncle Keith was listening in on the single best conversation, which will be, and still is quoted every time I visit my family.
My grandfather Purdie represents to me, a true...human being. Who is proud of work, who is proud of his family, and loves his granddaughter enough...to hold back laughter in times of quite and embarrassing crisis!
For that, and many other things, I love him.


I also remember Louis! My grandfather on my mom's side. Times were a bit rough here and there, and I remember first moving to Jersey. My mom was scared and worried as to what was to come, and thankfully my granddad Janson opened his doors for us.


Because of him. We had a safe, warm, loving home....the second we moved to New Jersey...if that isn't what family, love, and Godliness is all about...I'm not quite sure what is.


Hear You Me-Jimmy Eat World


there's no one in town i know 
you gave us someplace to go 
i never said thank you for that 
thought i might get one more chance 
what would you think of me now? 
so lucky 
so strong 
so proud 
never said thank you for that 
now i'll never have a chance 
may angels lead you in 
hear you me my friends 
on sleepless roads the sleepless go 
may angels lead you in
what would you think of me now? 
so lucky 
so strong 
so proud 
never said thank you for that 
now i'll never have a chance
may angels lead you in 
hear you me my friends 
on sleepless roads the sleepless go 
may angels lead you in
if you were with me tonight 
i'd sing to you just one more time 
a song for a heart so big god wouldn't let it live 
may angels lead you in 
hear you me my friends 
on sleepless roads the sleepless go 
may angels lead you in
may angels lead you in 
hear you me my friends 
on sleepless roads the sleepless go 
may angels lead you in 

Have you ever loved someone, before even knowing them?

$#!+ From My Day...

MJ Sunglasses

No Seriously....theres MJ Sunglasses.

YES. He was an awesome entertainer. YES. it sucks he has passed.

Did we all just experience a memory lapse?

He's rad. But....the kids?

Look at my hat..my rad hat.

College Recruiters. FTW.

Not being artistic?
FTL.

I remember my best friend, teaching me how to tango in my living room...and thinking..."I'm going to dance with the girl of my dreams one day."

Well...the girl of my dreams doesn't dance.
And I don't dance well at all.
LAWLZ.
She doesn't read this.

Anywho...

$#!+ from my day V 2.0:

Dollar Store Toys!
Ah...JOKING AROUND TOY BRANDZ JOKE TOYZ.
Obvious is Obvious: Family Dollar.

You wish you could be this cool.
Yes. I own those sunglasses.











Big Burger.
quick! state what's in this picture!

S#!+ from my day....

I kinda don't want to see this movie.


WTF IS THIS?! those are babies.....in bags....my moms coworker is WEIRD.



Just another day at Dunder Mifflin.


UGH!!! August is such a long month.

It's late...my ear itches.

I don't handle things that irk me very well at all. I wish I could say I'd some day grow out of that...but that would be a disgusting lie.

Please. Someone, anyone.

Recognize humor in this context.

I've recently landed a job that requires me to be awake by the single digits, which honestly should be so bad...but...I mean...the very early single digits. Mind you...I've been an insomniac since 2006. Attempting to change my sleep schedule is a pain the ass. Royal...pain in the ass.

...I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. Actually I do! I just, am so..so...pissy.


I'll write later when my brain is less jumbled and angry!

New Start.

I've deleted all but about 6 or 8 blog entries.


Because it's 2010, and it's time I start living my life...instead of letting the past run it for me.


I kept this blog private for close to three years. Now that's going to change.

I hope you all enjoy it.
And to the people who read my blog when it was private...thank you so much for putting up with my bitching.

I love you all.

Mortality. Coming to terms.

Seems like no one blogs anymore. I certainly don't. Maybe it's the laziness or maybe...I just have nothing to talk about.

I normally blog in the winter when depression wraps around me like an itchy blanket. Just for an outlet. Just to put it all out there.

Currently. However, it is summer...and I'm not feeling depressed...but I do have something on my mind.

MORTALITY!
Ah f**k!
Our entire lives we're actually coming to terms with our own mortality and the mortality of our dearest loved ones. It's something no one likes to talk about, but damn it to hell...we think about it. Often. Emma, you're probably wondering why I'm cursing so much....I just have no actual words to describe just how freaked out by mortality I am. So the four letter words ease my mind some what.

Sometimes it feels like I torture myself, it seems like I've already mourned the loss of my parents and they're not gone yet. I don't know what I'd do if I lost one, or both of them. I hate to think about what would happen.

Death seems like it's been surrounding my loved ones lately...My mom's close friend has less than two weeks to live. An ex girlfriend's mother passed, a recent suicide sparked news, a close friends father is dying. It just feels so...damn screwed up.

I'd like to seriously know why we're placed here, just to be taken away. Loss, is just such a great wound to those left here.
On one hand I pray that when it's my parent's time to go, they don't suffer. And on the other I can't help but feel selfish for thinking, "what am I going to do when their time comes?" I'm not proud of myself for being selfish...I just know how I take things, so my reaction scares me too.

What a lonely day that will be. I hate thinking about it, but its all I can think about right now.

Ah damn. Girlfriend's always call when you say, "I have some things on my mind.". I think. Think. I think. I just wish....I could hug her...while thinking about this bullshit. Just as long as I don't get to talk about it.

Although that might not be fair....I'm honestly not the best person to express things. I'm very odd.

I honestly just want a hug....preferably from my mom or dad. But it's 3 in the morning...my moms asleep....and my dads in Connecticut.

How do I handle this fear? How will I handle it when the time comes?

Fuck. I need to grow up.