It's late...my ear itches.

I don't handle things that irk me very well at all. I wish I could say I'd some day grow out of that...but that would be a disgusting lie.

Please. Someone, anyone.

Recognize humor in this context.

I've recently landed a job that requires me to be awake by the single digits, which honestly should be so bad...but...I mean...the very early single digits. Mind you...I've been an insomniac since 2006. Attempting to change my sleep schedule is a pain the ass. Royal...pain in the ass.

...I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about. Actually I do! I just, am so..so...pissy.


I'll write later when my brain is less jumbled and angry!

New Start.

I've deleted all but about 6 or 8 blog entries.


Because it's 2010, and it's time I start living my life...instead of letting the past run it for me.


I kept this blog private for close to three years. Now that's going to change.

I hope you all enjoy it.
And to the people who read my blog when it was private...thank you so much for putting up with my bitching.

I love you all.

Mortality. Coming to terms.

Seems like no one blogs anymore. I certainly don't. Maybe it's the laziness or maybe...I just have nothing to talk about.

I normally blog in the winter when depression wraps around me like an itchy blanket. Just for an outlet. Just to put it all out there.

Currently. However, it is summer...and I'm not feeling depressed...but I do have something on my mind.

MORTALITY!
Ah f**k!
Our entire lives we're actually coming to terms with our own mortality and the mortality of our dearest loved ones. It's something no one likes to talk about, but damn it to hell...we think about it. Often. Emma, you're probably wondering why I'm cursing so much....I just have no actual words to describe just how freaked out by mortality I am. So the four letter words ease my mind some what.

Sometimes it feels like I torture myself, it seems like I've already mourned the loss of my parents and they're not gone yet. I don't know what I'd do if I lost one, or both of them. I hate to think about what would happen.

Death seems like it's been surrounding my loved ones lately...My mom's close friend has less than two weeks to live. An ex girlfriend's mother passed, a recent suicide sparked news, a close friends father is dying. It just feels so...damn screwed up.

I'd like to seriously know why we're placed here, just to be taken away. Loss, is just such a great wound to those left here.
On one hand I pray that when it's my parent's time to go, they don't suffer. And on the other I can't help but feel selfish for thinking, "what am I going to do when their time comes?" I'm not proud of myself for being selfish...I just know how I take things, so my reaction scares me too.

What a lonely day that will be. I hate thinking about it, but its all I can think about right now.

Ah damn. Girlfriend's always call when you say, "I have some things on my mind.". I think. Think. I think. I just wish....I could hug her...while thinking about this bullshit. Just as long as I don't get to talk about it.

Although that might not be fair....I'm honestly not the best person to express things. I'm very odd.

I honestly just want a hug....preferably from my mom or dad. But it's 3 in the morning...my moms asleep....and my dads in Connecticut.

How do I handle this fear? How will I handle it when the time comes?

Fuck. I need to grow up.

Hmm

Some of us are often found fighting off demons, that not everyone else can see. I've notice a lot of the time these inner demons can either pep us up, or bring us down to the point where we are laying in our bed for hours after we've awaken.

It feel's like we've awoke to a world that doesn't recognize us.

I can put my self on the line, and say that during certain season, I too am fighting demons. Fighting off a, "f**k it" attitude. But even as I write this I cannot help but feel childish, and realize it probably isn't completely depression but more or less fear of up coming change.

You and I, who ever might stumble on this, other than the one regular reader of this....You and I, we're going to be fine. We just have to remind ourselves to wake up in the morning...because in the hours that we normally miss out on, there is a world spinning, and that world, waits for no one. No matter how special, or insignificant you feel.

I think the best way one can fight off inner demons is by pushing forward, no matter how lost we feel, if we keep progressing forward we will find exactly what we are looking for.

Carpe Diem.

Carpe Diem, and you will be surprised of the discoveries you make.

I don't think I've the answers to a billion and ten questions that have yet to be asked..

I'm a brave soul.
For conquering that road.
For, changing the minds of the old.
For, loosening my chains, and just soaring.

I used to to be surrounded by the waves of time.
And now all I am guided by, are the memories of my time...
Ticking, every now and then, to a beat in my head.

Oh, I was once a brave soul,
Who traveled down a cold bright road, facing up at the stars above.
And the survivors of the guilt "free" Wednesday told me it'll all be okay.
I have traveled down, through the Eastern sound, looked around and I have drowned...
In the memories of lyrics and proud horns all around me.
But at the end of my journey, I was left alone.

Oh the proudest of them all, just kneeled down, and that is where they remain today.
Tired from the wars of yesterday, and swaying with an unforgiving ocean.

I have traveled, down the Eastern Canals, swam the West ones too...
But there is no sign of ever reverting to the past this time.

I used to hear applause, Now I hear, nothing at all.
Just the most dull pause.
Along this side of the channel.

I used to hate the buzz, of a nice, mid day run...
Now I miss it like it was my love.
Except, life wasn't meant to be made out to be complicated quite like that.

I've been through storms, now I can't even believe there exists an open door...
I feel I've been thrown up on the shore.
And I feel so lost when everything's so loud now.

Yes. I have been on the Eastern Channel, and I've sailed my way to shore...
Being told I've got not a thing to worry for...
By the guilt free survivors of Ash Wednesday...

Once a seed...
And I've done nothing.
To...
Branch out, into the world.

Time to branch out now...
Start a new happening.
Time to branch out now...

Time to cut my ties, with the wrong side...
I feel its time to go.

On out...side...get, out.
She claims I've been out.
But, I...live in the same house.
A top the same store.
And I havent felt normal since
Before...
I...
Turned...
To...
Stone.

Time to branch out.
Time to make someone proud.
Of these doings, of these these should-a-dones.
I did.

Nothing, so far.
Time to branch out.
Time to get out...
I never once called this home.

And I'm not claiming I'm tortured and souless...
I'm claiming insanity.

Time to get out...
Time to branch out, time to fall in love.
Time to buy that ring.

Time to branch out,
Got to, get out.
Time to branch out.

Tired of fake-outs.
I gotta get out...

Goodbye.