Seems like no one blogs anymore. I certainly don't. Maybe it's the laziness or maybe...I just have nothing to talk about.
I normally blog in the winter when depression wraps around me like an itchy blanket. Just for an outlet. Just to put it all out there.
Currently. However, it is summer...and I'm not feeling depressed...but I do have something on my mind.
MORTALITY!
Ah f**k!
Our entire lives we're actually coming to terms with our own mortality and the mortality of our dearest loved ones. It's something no one likes to talk about, but damn it to hell...we think about it. Often. Emma, you're probably wondering why I'm cursing so much....I just have no actual words to describe just how freaked out by mortality I am. So the four letter words ease my mind some what.
Sometimes it feels like I torture myself, it seems like I've already mourned the loss of my parents and they're not gone yet. I don't know what I'd do if I lost one, or both of them. I hate to think about what would happen.
Death seems like it's been surrounding my loved ones lately...My mom's close friend has less than two weeks to live. An ex girlfriend's mother passed, a recent suicide sparked news, a close friends father is dying. It just feels so...damn screwed up.
I'd like to seriously know why we're placed here, just to be taken away. Loss, is just such a great wound to those left here.
On one hand I pray that when it's my parent's time to go, they don't suffer. And on the other I can't help but feel selfish for thinking, "what am I going to do when their time comes?" I'm not proud of myself for being selfish...I just know how I take things, so my reaction scares me too.
What a lonely day that will be. I hate thinking about it, but its all I can think about right now.
Ah damn. Girlfriend's always call when you say, "I have some things on my mind.". I think. Think. I think. I just wish....I could hug her...while thinking about this bullshit. Just as long as I don't get to talk about it.
Although that might not be fair....I'm honestly not the best person to express things. I'm very odd.
I honestly just want a hug....preferably from my mom or dad. But it's 3 in the morning...my moms asleep....and my dads in Connecticut.
How do I handle this fear? How will I handle it when the time comes?
Fuck. I need to grow up.
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2 comments:
I definitely relate to you. As much as I can say "Death is a part of life, everybody is going to die eventually, and we have no idea who's going to die next or when! So come to terms with that!"...I'm just as scared about it as you are.
The books I read regarding anxiety covered this topic a little bit. They didn't really tell me how to deal with a tragedy. They just stressed how important it is to keep a good perspective about mortality when dealing with people. We'll be much more kind to people when we're aware of how fragile life really is. We'll be more likely to express our honest feelings, and in general we'll be a lot more positive. That way when the time comes (and it will come for all of us, there is absolutely no way around that), it helps ease certain aspects of suffering. Missing somebody is one thing, that's not going to ever be easy. I don't like to think about it honestly. It will ease the parts of suffering where we torture ourselves over the times we snapped at said person, or how we never got to tell this person how much they mean to you. That has made a pretty big impact on me. I've started to be more loving towards people, and less impatient. I still suck at the impatience part sometimes, but I'm working on it.
All we can really do is, instead of torturing ourselves about the thought of our loved ones dying, is enjoy them and enjoy life. Appreciate every moment you have. When I watched that long video of soldiers coming home and hugging their families...it hit me hard. They all knew their loved one was in a high risk situation, so you could see, while they were holding each other..that they were so incredibly thankful for THAT MOMENT, because that embrace was not guaranteed. Honestly, that's how I imagine Heaven to be like. When we pass on, I anticipate being greeted by family and friends, and ancestors who we've never met, but are responsible for us being on this earth. Earth isn't the beginning or the end of life in my opinion. It is a phase of our existence. We often put too much stock in it, and treat it like it's all that will ever happen to us. I OFTEN catch myself getting caught up in things and putting way too much importance into things that are probably very insignificant in the long run.
I'm rambling. I'm not trying to sound wise, I'm just sharing how I think about this topic. It's hard for everybody, but we will all survive until our time. Love you friendo.
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